The Way of the Peaceful Parent

Parents, I find this so true. See if you score full points in the below list! :)

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There is no such thing as stress-free parenting.

A reader requested that I share my thoughts on stress-free parenting, as the father of six kids. And while I have learned a lot about being a dad, and finding joy in parenthood, I also know that stress-free parenting is a myth.

Parents will always have stress: we not only have to deal with tantrums and scraped knees and refusing to eat anything you cook, but we worry about potential accidents, whether we are ruining our kids, whether our children will find happiness as adults and be able to provide for themselves and find love.
That said, I’ve learned that we can find peace.

Peace isn’t a place with no stress, but a place where you take the stress as it comes, in stride, and don’t let it rule you. You let it flow through you, and then smile, and breathe, and give your child a hug.
There is a Way of the Peaceful Parent, but it isn’t one that I’ve learned completely. I’ll share what I’ve learned so far, with the caveat that I don’t always follow the Way, that I still make mistakes daily, that I still have a lot to learn, that I don’t claim to have all the answers as a parent.

The Way
The Way is only learned by walking it. Here are the steps I recommend:

1) Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we would all like to be greeted each day. - yup we do that every single morning! She smells so good when she wakes up :)) can't help but to kiss and hug her :)

2) Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth,  bathe themselves, clean up their rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and clean, etc. - not breakfast though, but she will help spread the butter on the bread, pour the milk into the cup etc. i really ought to get her to brush her teeth properly!

3) Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them,  and let them make mistakes. They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.

4) Older children can help younger children — it’s good for them to learn responsibility, it helps the younger children learn from the older ones, and it  takes some of the stress off you.

5) Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds. - we do read very often, but sometimes i watch drama while reading with her at the same time, so i get distracted haha...*guilty* my next aim is to read Chinese storybooks with her!

6) Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play,  often, as play is the essence of childhood. Don’t try to force them to stop playing. - I occasionally hide with her under the blanket and pretend that we are hiding from some robbers LOL..I think I need to do stuff like that more often!

7) When your child asks for your attention, grant it. -  i really think this is the most important point of all. Children become attention-seekers and trouble-makers because they often dont get the attention when they ask for it, hence they become pesky and do all kinds of things so their parents will pay attention. My belief is, how the children turn out in their life depends fully on their upbringing, hence parents need to really give their best!

I have seen parents who bo chap their children, leave them to do their own stuff and brush their children off whenever their children ask for attention. The children end up crying, whining, shrieking for attention and throw tantrums. Whose fault?

8) Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that you’ll have time to work on your own, or have mommy and daddy time in the evening,  when your child can do things on her own. - Yup there should be a balance. my time with hubby starts from 10pm onwards, when my girl goes to bed with my mum, hence i'm really quite blessed in this aspect.

9) When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Don’t just judge the behavior (yes, crying and screaming isn’t ideal), but the needs behind the  behavior. Does he need a hug, or attention, or maybe he’s just tired? - read Point 7.

10) Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Don’t yell at the child because he was screaming. Don’t get angry at a child for losing his temper. - I am not perfect, my girl speaks like us, super Singlish to the max. Hubby and I are aware and we try our best to speak proper English. Our children loves us and follows us in whatever we do. Likewise, If you yell at home, pls don't be surprised if your child yells at you too.

11) Don’t get mad at a kid who wants to play video games all the time if you’re always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be  active. - Hehehe my girl is as addicted as us, to iPhone, iPad, laptop! Moderation is required!!

12) When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it into a game, laugh … you’ll teach your child not to  take things so seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if you’ve lost your temper, and come back when you can smile. - Whenever my girl starts insisting that she wants to do this or do that and it's not really what I prefer, I will always distract her with a totally different treat. e.g. there was once she insisted on going out, and was on the verge of tearing, I suddenly asked her "hey why don't I let u use my laptop for 10 minutes?" She immediately brightened up, forgot all about going out, and nodded her head happily.

or when your child sees a toy which you think is totally wasteful to buy, offer different options e.g. "instead of getting that, I'll let you choose 2 story books or we can go have a nice cheese cake".

13) Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a  miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.

14) Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a  blog together. - yeah! we bake together! we take walks!

15) Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself. Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the  behavior you’d like your child to learn whenever he screws up. - yeah i've screwed up so often. Whenever I scold my girl and it was because I was impatient, I will always kneel down to her eye level, and say "Mummy is sorry for shouting at you just now. Will you forgive me?" And your child will definitely forgive you!

16) Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not OK to do things that  might harm yourself or others. We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those aren’t things the child learns immediately, so have  patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom. - my hubby is definitely better at this :)

17) Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their child’s life, with classes and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the  like, but it’s a constant source of stress for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free time is  necessary. You don’t always have to be by her side either — she needs alone time just as much as you do. - haha i tink i under-schedule her life compared to other kids! She is at home a lot, with my mum. Her only activities are her 3-hour kindergarten class, Saturday Ballet class and Sunday school. Her weekday evenings are all free!
18) Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
- speaking of massage, I jus got one from hubby last nite - lovely!

19) It helps tremendously to be a parenting team — one parent can take over when the other gets stressed. When one parent starts to lose his temper,  the other should be a calming force. - ya i tink if i am alone in this whole parenting deal, i'll be super dead. I am thankful that hubby is as much an involved parent as I!
20) Mom and dad need a date night every week or so. Get a babysitter, or better yet, teach the older kids to babysit. - another thanksgiving point, my mum stays with me and my girl sleeps with her, so I really have a lot of personal time with hubby :)
21) Sing and dance together. - we sing a lot together, seriously! Sometimes in the car, I start to sing a song she likes, then she will ask me to stop singing coz she wants to hear her own voice when she sings =.=
22) Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson. - Whatever opportunity I have, I will teach her about God and how God loves and bless us.
23) Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child. - yup another nightly activity we do!

Taken from http://zenhabits.net/the-way/